The Sugar Quill
Author: Ellyse (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Wizards and Witches  Chapter: Act 1 - scene 1
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Wizards and Witches

CAST

HERMIONE GROWN – S.P.E.W leader, saviour of N.E.W.T results

RON WEASTERSON– ultimate Snap player, confident gambler

HARRY POTROIT – stressed organiser of the Exploding Snap Game

MISS GINNY– dancer at The Three Broomsticks, other half of Harry

NEVILLE JOHNBOTTOM– Harry’s hood

COLIN CREEVESTREET– Harry’s hood

RUSTY DENNIS – Harry’s hood

BIG MALF – rich, gambling bully

CRABBE THE CLOT – Snap player

GOYLE THE GOON – Snap player

HAGRID – Hermione’s grandfather

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL – single handed destroyer of Harry’s plans

HANNAH – a S.P.E.W member

ERNIE – a S.P.E.W member

PAVARTI– a Three Broomsticks dancer

LAVENDER – a Three Broomsticks dancer

SIRIUS – gambler

MADAM PINCE – librarian, teacher overseeing S.P.E.W

PLUS AN ASSORTMENT OF THREE BROOMSTICK DANCERS, DIAGON ALLEYERS, PREFECTS, HOUSELVES AND GAMBLERS.

ENJOY THE SHOW!

ACT 1 – SCENE 1- A HOGWARTS CORRIDOR

(A PREFECT patrols religiously up and down. PEEVES the poltergeist amuses himself by blowing ink pellets towards him. Three FIRST YEARS, late for class, scurry by. The PREFECT exits, rubbing self consciously at his ink splattered back. MCGONAGALL enters, looking crossly from right to left, before exiting through a door in the centre. TWO SIXTH YEARS, arm in arm chat relaxed close to the audience. PEEVES watches them wickedly. A HOUSELF enters carrying fresh sheets. PEEVES upsets the sheets. ERNIE enters, hurriedly helping the HOUSELF floor and gesticulating crossly at PEEVES. MCGONAGALL re-enters and PEEVES scoots away. MCGONAGALL crossly ushers the reluctant SIXTH YEARS to their lessons. ERNIE starts to look for PEEVES. HANNAH enters, reading, but watching ERNIE over the top of her upside down book. PARVATI and LAVENDER enter, whispering. They see ERNIE and HANNAH and giggle. ERNIE, distracted, leaves. The HOUSELF follows. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK enters with SEAMUS. LAVENDER watches with interest. FILCH enters, swinging a broom menacingly. HANNAH and PARVATI edge nervously to L2. LAVENDER exits with SEAMUS R1. FILCH waves broom at NEARLY HEADLESS NICK who exits centre, sniffily. FILCH follows. NEVILLE and COLIN enter.)

NEVILLE

(With arms outstretched to audience)

I would like to bid you good people welcome to this here show. I hope you are sitting comfortably and can hear me properly.

COLIN

(Joining NEVILLE)

What you are about to witness is a re-enactment as it were of a certain set of events that happened over a certain two days here at the most comfortable school of witchcraft and wizardry we like to call Hogwarts.

NEVILLE

We’re here to provide you with entertainment and amusement for the next few hours, however on behalf of the author Ellyse, we feel obliged to give this little disclaimer.

COLIN

A certain talented do- I mean lady named JK Rowling owns all the characters you are about to witness. It is my understanding that the story belongs to one Frank Loesser.

NEVILLE

Any comparisons drawn between the story and a certain musical are purely coincidental.

COIN

Well, not really.

NEVILLE

(After a beat)

Well, no, not really. It’s mostly copied. But it has nothing to do with the fact that Ellyse is partaking in a certain musical.

COLIN

Of course not.

NEVILLE

Ahem.

COLIN

So without further ado, prepare yourself for a story of love, redemption, comedy…

NEVILLE

Boys and girls…

COLIN

Guys and dolls…

NEVILLE

Wizards and witches…

(COLIN and NEVILLE part to clear a path for the SPEW BAND entering playing “Follow my S.P.E.W”. HERMIONE with tambourine, HANNAH playing the cornet, HAGRID beating a base drum and ERNIE carrying a small box which he places on centre stage. They sing.)

FOLLOW MY SPEW

FOLLOW MY SPEW AND STRAY NO MORE

STRAY NO MORE, STRAY NO MORE

PUT DOWN YOUR SNACKS AND WE’LL SAY NO MORE

FOLLOW, FOLLOW MY SPEW

HERMIONE

(Points at Neville who is eating an éclair)

BEFORE YOU TAKE ANOTHER SWALLOW

FOLLOW MY SPEW AND STRAY NO MORE

STRAY NO MORE, STRAY NO MORE

PUT DOWN YOUR DECK OF CARDS, WE’LL SAY NO MORE

FOLLOW, FOLLOW MY SPEW

HERMIONE

(Goes into speech)

Brothers and Sisters, we must be kind to our fellow creatures. We must respect all house-elves this is what “Hogwarts – A History” tells us. This is why I stand before you today, in the corridors where they are enslaved. Hear me slave masters!

(HERMIONE points and NEVILLE and COLIN who back away, nervously.)

You have your cakes, your sweets, and your rule breaking card games to accompany your food. Pause and do your homework, before it’s too late!

(She is failing to notice her audience is edging away.)

You are in great danger! I am not speaking of detentions or points from your houses! But a greater punishment that awaits you; the punishment of bad N.E.W.T. results! Study, before it’s too late! Just around the corner is the library where you are welcome to take refuge from your rule breaking. Come and do not think of me as Hermione the Prefect, but as Hermione, your sister.

(Throws hands in air.)

Join me Brothers and Sisters, in fighting the slave labour and obtaining good exam results!

(She looks to HAGRID hopelessly, who nods encouragingly.)

Remember friends, it’s a SAVE-MY-RESULTS library, located in room 409 in the West Wing. Open all day and night, with a special revision meeting this Thursday at…

(But her audience has gone. Despairingly, she nods to the others, who wearily pick up their instruments and trudge away. “FOLLOW MY SPEW” can be heard in the distance. NEVILLE and COLIN re-emerge.)

NEVILLE

Poor Hermione. I wonder what a clever witch like her is doing tutoring us no hopers and liberating elves in the library.

COLIN

She’s a beautiful witch. With one hundred percent eyes.

NEVILLE

It’s too bad that a witch like that wastes all her time being good. How can she have any fun from that?

(GOYLE THE GOON enters.)

GOYLE

Hey! Colin Creevestreet!

(They shake hands.)

COLIN

Goyle the Goon! How are you? You know Neville Johnbottom?

GOYLE

How goes it?

NEVILLE

Nicely, nicely thanks.

GOYLE

Tell me, what about Harry Potroit? Has he got a place for his Exploding Snap game?

COLIN

(Whispers.)

We don’t know yet.

NEVILLE

The heat is on.

GOYLE

Well tell him I’m loaded and looking for action.

(Crosses to R., past NEVILLE)

I’ve just acquired fifteen Galleons.

COLIN

Fifteen Galleons!

NEVILLE

Where did you acquire it?

GOYLE

I collected the reward on my father. Death Eater you know.

(GOYLE exits with a grin.)

COLIN

Everybody is looking for action. I hope Harry finds a…

(He stops as MCGONAGALL enters carrying books. She glares at them both.)

MCGONAGALL

Have either of you wizards seen Harry Potroit?

COLIN

Which Harry Potroit is that?

(MCGONAGALL frowns and shifts books.)

MCGONAGALL

I mean the Harry Potroit who has been running a floating Exploding Snap Game around here, and getting away with it by moving to a different spot every night. And don’t look at me like that, I know you two idolise him and rustle up customers for his Snap game!

COLIN

We do?

MCGONAGALL

Yes you do Mr. Creevestreet and you can tell him from me that I know that right now he’s running around trying to find a spot. Well nobody’s going to give him one, because they know they’ll be out of Hogwarts before you can say Snap!

(Starts to exit L2. HARRY POTROIT enters from R1, not seeing MCGONAGALL.)

NEVILLE

Hi Harry!

HARRY

Fellas, I’m having terrible trouble. Everyone’s scared of that lousy McGonagall, and I can’t…

MCGONAGALL

Something wrong, Mr. Potroit?

HARRY

(A sickly grimace.)

Oh, hello, Professor. I hope you don’t think I was talking about you. There are other lousy McGonagalls.

MCGONAGALL

Potroit, I have been talking to your fan club about your Exploding Snap game. I assume that you understand that Mr. Filch banned that game many years ago.

HARRY

Of course Professor and I…

MCGONAGALL

So I also assume that you will under no circumstances want to play it.

(Exits L1.)

HARRY

(Dully.)

Of course Professor.

COLIN

(Crossing to HARRY.)

Did you find a place?

HARRY

What does that teacher want from me? What am I – a Transfiguration expert? I merely run an Exploding Snap game for the convenience of those who like to bet on the results, and in return I take a small cut. Is that against the rules?

(Uncertain pause.)

COLIN

Harry, did you find a place?

HARRY

(Crosses to R. past NEVILLE.)

Did I find a place? Did I – yes, I found a place! We are holding the Exploding Snap game tomorrow night on the third floor corridor.

COLIN

How are you going to fix Filch? Wouldn’t it be easier to hold it in Sirius’s cave like you said earlier?

HARRY

I spoke to Sirius himself. He says he might take the chance if I give him one hundred Galleons. In cash. He won’t take my parchment.

COLIN

(Crosses to HARRY.)

Your parchment’s no good, huh?

HARRY

What do you mean? My parchment isn’t just a piece of paper saying I.O.U one hundred Galleons signed Harry Potroit. My parchment is like a pledge which a wizard cannot welch on it. It’s like not supporting your house.

(COLIN and NEVILLE remove pointy hats.)

My parchment is as important to me as my Firebolt, and nearly as useful. And it’s totally genuine, only Sirius doesn’t think so. So now I’m broke. Why I’ve been running the Exploding Snap game since fifth year, and now I’m without my livelihood. I couldn’t even buy Ginny a present today, and you know what day it is? It is mine and Ginny’s fourteenth anniversary.

COLIN

Yeah?

HARRY

Yeah. We’ve been dating for fourteen months…

NEVILLE

Except you’ve never been on a proper date…

HARRY

Yeah, that. But it’s been fourteen months since she grabbed me and…

COLIN

Harry, concentrate on the game. The school’s up to here with high players! The Beauxbatons boy is around!

HARRY

(Crossing to centre.)

I know. I could make a fortune. But where can I hold the game?

“THE OLDEST ESTABLISHED (EXPLODING SNAP GAME)”

NEVILLE

FIFTY GALLEONS SAYS SIRIUS BLACK

COLIN

BUT IT’S NOT QUITE AS EASY AS THAT

HARRY

AND THEY NOW HAVE A LOCK ON THE DOOR

SO MYRTLE’S BATHROOM’S TOO MUCH OF A CHORE

NEVILLE

THERE’S THE STOCK ROOM BEHIND FILCH’S ROOM

COLIN

BUT MRS NORRIS IS TOO GOOD A SCOUT

HARRY

AND THINGS BEING HOW THEY ARE

THE BACK OF THE STAFFROOM IS OUT

(COLIN and NEVILLE join HARRY in centre.)

SO SIRIUS’S CAVE IS THE SPOT

BUT IT’S THE FIFTY GALLEONS WE AIN’T GOT

MALE SINGERS

WHY IT’S GOOD OLD RELIABLE HARRY HARRY HARRY

HARRY POTROIT

IF YOU’RE LOOKIN’ FOR SOME ACTION HE’LL FURNISH THE SPOT

EVEN WHEN THE HEAT IS ON IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

NOT FOR GOOD OLD RELIABLE HARRY FOR IT’S ALWAYS JUST

A SHORT WALK

TO THE OLDEST ESTABLISHED PERMANANT SNAP GAME IN HOGWARTS.

(MALE SINGERS congregate around HARRY.)

THERE ARE MANY SINGED EYEBROWS EVERYWHERE, EVERYWHERE

THERE ARE MANY SINGED EYEBROWS EVERYWHERE

AND THEN EVEN MORE GLORY

FOR THE FELLA WHO HAS NO FRONT HAIR

HARRY

IF I ONLY HAD THAT FIFTY I COULD BE A MILLIONAIRE

MALE SINGERS

THERE – THAT’S

GOOD OLD RELIABLE HARRY HARRY HARRY

HARRY POTROIT

IF IT’S THE SIZE OF YOUR POCKETS YOU WANT TO INCREASE

HE’LL ARRANGE THAT YOU GO BROKE IN QUIET AND PEACE

IN A HIDEOUT PROVIDED BY HARRY WHERE THERE ARE NO

TEACHERS TO SQUAWK

IT’S THE OLDEST ESTABLISHED

PERMANENT EXPLODING SNAP GAME IN HOGWARTS!

HARRY

(Fighting through exiting MALE SINGERS.)

Wizards, do not worry. Harry Potroit’s Snap game will explode again. My boys will let you know where it is.

(Enter CRABBE THE CLOT.)

CRABBE

Hey, Harry. Say, you know who I saw walking this way? Ron Weasterson! Ron Weasterson’s back from his holiday!

HARRY

Ron Weasterson! Now there is the highest player of them all!

COLIN

Higher than the Beauxbatons boy?

HARRY

Higher than anyone. He doesn’t even always bet on the cards. I once saw him bet two hundred Galleons on a Niffler. And another time, he was sick and refused to go to the hospital wing on account he had bet three hundred Galleons on belching one hundred and four slugs up.

NEVILLE

Did he?

HARRY

Did he? He’s so lucky, he produced one hundred and six. Good old Ron.

NEVILLE

Maybe you can borrow the fifty from Ron?

HARRY

Not Ron. With him, that kind of money ain’t lending money; it’s betting money. I think his family used to be poor or something. But I could bet with him. I could bet him fifty Galleons!

COLIN

(Shakes head.)

You would bet with Ron Weasterson?

HARRY

I ain’t scared. I am perfectly willing to take the risk, providing I can figure out a bet on which there is no chance of losing. He likes crazy bets, like which lump of sugar a Hinkypunk will eat first, or how fast you can drink a Butterbeer… Oh! Butterbeer! Look, run to the Three Broomsticks and ask Madam Rosmerta how many Butterbeers she sold yesterday and how many regular beers.

COLIN

Butterbeers, beers. What do you want to know for?

HARRY

Just find out! Now! Here comes Ginny. If she hears I’m running the Exploding Snap game she’ll never forgive me.

(NEVILLE and COLIN exit. GINNY, PAVARTI and LAVENDER enter from L2. GINNY is carrying a box.)

GINNY

Harry!

(Throws arms around him.)

HARRY

Ginny! Sweetheart!

(PAVARTI and LAVENDER stand awkwardly at this greeting.)

GINNY

You go ahead girls. Order me some dinner. We gotta get back to the Three Broomsticks.

HARRY

You still rehearsing?

GINNY

Yeah. That slave driver Rosmerta – she’s been working is all day. Finally I say, “Look Rosmerta, I’m starving! I gotta get outta here and get something to eat.” And she says, “You don’t want to eat, you just want to sneak out and meet the famous bum, Harry Potroit!…”

HARRY

(Outraged.)

And what did you say?

GINNY

(Proud.)

I told her. I says, “I’ll meet whoever I want!”

HARRY

Well, don’t upset yourself. How’s your cold?

GINNY

Oh it’s much better thank you. Why, Harry! Happy Anniversary!

HARRY

A present? For me?

GINNY

I hope you like it.

HARRY

A broomstick cover. That’s so sweet. Look Gin, I was going to get you a gold quill, with diamond encrusted feathers and…

GINNY

Harry! You shouldn’t have!

HARRY

It’s all right, I didn’t. Er, sorry.

(Gets in front of him. He puts his arms around her.)

GINNY

No, I kinda like it when you forget to give me presents. It makes me feel like we’re dating properly.

HARRY

Don’t worry Gin, one of these days, I’ll be in the money, then we can go on proper dates.

GINNY

Harry, darling, I can do without anything just as long as you don’t start running that Exploding Snap game again.

HARRY

The Snap game! What an absurd thought…

(NEVILLE and COLIN enter from R1)

COLIN

Pssst! Two hundred beers and one hundred and fifty Butterbeers.

HARRY

Huh?

COLIN

Yesterday, Rosmerta sold two hundred beers and one hundred and fifty Butterbeers.

HARRY

More beers than Butterbeer, that’s great!

GINNY

Harry, what is this?

HARRY

Nothing, honey.

(GOYLE THE GOON enters.)

GOYLE

Hey, any news yet?

HARRY

Not yet, I’ll let you know.

GOYLE

Okay Potroit.

(Exits.)

GINNY

What was all that about?

HARRY

Er, his witch is, er, in detention.

GINNY

Why’s he talking to you?

HARRY

It’s his first witch.

GINNY

But that doesn’t make sense, Harry, why…

HARRY

Look sweetheart, I’m expecting a fellow and I know you’re hungry…

GINNY

Are you trying to get rid of me?

HARRY

No, I just don’t want your dinner getting cold. Fellows…

(He crosses to NEVILLE and COLIN.)

Why don’t you drop Ginny off at the hospital wing?

(To her.)

You see Ginny, you’ve got a cold, and it’s up five flights of stairs and there are lots of vanishing steps around and…

(As she is being borne away by COLIN and NEVILLE she blows HARRY a kiss.)

GINNY

Harry darling, you’re so thoughtful. You’re just the sweetest person. Goodbye!

(HARRY waves as they disappear to R1. He is left alone and paces nervously. After several moments, RON WEASTERSON enters.)

HARRY

(Over-eager)

Hey! Weasterson! Good to see you Ron!

RON

(Cooly.)

Why it’s Harry Potroit. Good to see the old promoter.

HARRY

How are you Ron? You look great!

RON

(Sits lazily in chair.)

Feel great. Two wonderful weeks in London. The climate was healthful, the cards were my cousins and all the witches were most welcoming.

HARRY

You going to be at Hogwarts long?

RON

Nah, travelling to Diagon Alley tomorrow.

HARRY

London again?

RON

Can’t seem to stay away. There’s a lot of action down there. Want to come? I have extra Floo Powder.

HARRY

No, I’ve got a lot of stuff to do… In the meantime, how about dropping over to the Three Broomsticks for a Butterbeer? They sell lots of Butterbeer.

RON

I’m not thirsty. Tell me, how’s the witch you’re with, Ginny?

HARRY

Oh, fine, fine, still singing at the Three Broomsticks.

RON

I suppose you two are dating properly then?

HARRY

We all gotta go sometime.

RON

But Harry, we can fight it. Wizards like us; we have to remember that pleasant as a witch’s company may be, they must always take second place to Snap.

HARRY

(His mind on other matters.)

Yeah, yeah. Tell me, you thirsty yet? Maybe we can go to the Three Broomsticks for a Butterbeer or something?

RON

No, I think I’ll go get the Quidditch results.

HARRY

Oh.

(Leaps to feet, desperate.)

But you will admit that Rosmerta sells the best Butterbeers known to the wizarding world?

RON

(Suspicious.)

I am quite partial to Rosmerta’s Butterbeers.

HARRY

Offhand, which do you think she sells more of, Butterbeer or regular beer?

RON

Going by my own taste, I would have to say Butterbeer.

HARRY

(Seizing his chance.)

For how much?

RON

Huh?

HARRY

For how much?!

RON

Why Harry, I never took you for a betting man. You always take your percentage off the top of the Snap game.

HARRY

(Weakly.)

For old time’s sake… Fifty Galleons…

RON

Harry, let me tell you a story. When I was a young boy, about to go to Hogwarts, my father took me aside from my mother, who would have killed him, and he says to me a very valuable thing. He says to me like this; “Son, I am sorry that I am not able to bankroll you to a very large start, but not having any pumpkins to give you I am now going to stake you to some very valuable advice. One of these days in your travels, a wizard is going to come up to you and show you a brand new deck of cards, on which the seal has not yet been broken, and this wizard is going to offer you to bet that he can make the Jack of Spades jump up and shove a Filibuster Firework down your throat. But son, do not bet with this wizard for as sure as you stand there, you are going to end up with a mouthful of Filibuster.” Now, Harry, I do not suggest you have been clocking Rosmerta’s Butterbeer…

HARRY

You don’t think that I’d…

RON

However if you’re really looking for some action…

(Covers HARRY’S chest with the Daily Prophet.)

I will bet you that same fifty Galleons that you do not know the colour of the tie you have on.

(From HARRY’S expression, we can see his mind has gone utterly blank.)

Well?

HARRY

(Miserably.)

No bet.

(RON removes his hand. HARRY smacks his hand to his head.)

Gold and red. Of course! Only Harry Potroit would forget his own House colours.

(COLIN and NEVILLE enter.)

COLIN

Harry, we took Ginny to the hospital wing… What’s wrong?

HARRY

Don’t bother me.

RON

The Butterbeer backed up on him.

COLIN

Oh. Hey was that why you wanted us to find out whether Rosmerta had sold more Butterbeers than beers?

(HARRY groans, RON raises an eyebrow.)

How you doin’ Ron?

RON

Good, how’s it with you fellows?

COLIN

Not bad.

NEVILLE

Nicely nicely thanks. Harry, we took Ginny to the hospital wing, and she says you have to pick her up after the show at the Three Broomsticks and don’t be late. She says she feels safer taking your route through the Humped-back witch than travelling through Hosmeade at night. So don’t be late.

(NEVILLE and COLIN exit.)

HARRY

Yes dear… I mean yes…

RON

Yes dear? That is boyfriend talk if ever I heard it. Harry you are trapped. In Ginny you have found the kind of witch it is most difficult to unload.

HARRY

But I don’t want to unload her. I love Ginny. And a wizard without a witch, well, if a wizard doesn’t have a witch, who would holler at him? A witch is a necessity.

RON

Harry, I’m not putting the rap on witches, I just say a guy should have them around when he wants them, and they are easy to find.

HARRY

Not witches like Ginny!

RON

Harry, figuring weight for age, all witches are the same. As far as the eye can see.

HARRY

Then how come you haven’t got a witch? How come you’re going to Diagon Alley alone without one?

RON

A matter of choice. I like to travel light. But if I wish to take a witch to Diagon Alley there is a large assortment available.

(SPEW BAND is heard singing offstage.)

HARRY

Not real high class witches!

RON

There’s only one class. They’re invisible and interchangeable. Because a witch is a witch. All witches, any witch, you name her!

HARRY

Any witch? And I name her? Will you bet on that? Will you bet fifty Galleons that if I name a witch you will take her to Diagon Alley tomorrow?

RON

You got yourself a bet!

(The SPEW BAND enters singing, headed by HERMIONE. HARRY crosses to HERMIONE who is persuading a HOUSELF to march alongside ERNIE.)

HARRY

I name her. Hermione Grown!

RON

(For the first time his facial expression seems to tense. He walks to the side of the stage and peers into the audience.)

Daddy. I think I’ve just swallowed a firework.

(Blackout. End of scene 1.)

//
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