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Wizards and Witches
ACT 1 SCENE 2 Ė THE SAVE-MY-RESULTS LIBRARY
(The SPEWBAND files in, ERNIE and HANNAH exit into room R. HERMIONE goes down R. HAGRID places his base drum against the window, next to a dead stoat. Standing
stage C is a painted sign in block letters. It reads; ďThere is no peace unto
those who do not study Ė Hogwarts, a History, chapter 57, lines
20-21.Ē HERMIONE puts down her cloak and hat and places them over a small bookshelf. She
sits at a desk and busies herself with papers. From behind the bookshelves
stage R, COLIN and NEVILLE appear.)
(In a whisper.)
all you ladies and gentlemen.
back to the story.
We are here
once more to clear up any misunderstandings, and guide you smoothly through the
wishes to thank the lovely people who reviewed so nicely, nicely.
those who claimed that it was impossible to create a crossover between Harry
Potter and Guys and Dolls.
this is of course.
It just hasÖ similarities.
thought that a few things needed explaining. As some people thought that some
characters, were out of character.
(Enter SNAPE in a familiar dress with a familiar handbag and familiar vulture hat.
He spots his reflection in the window, and disappears with a pop.)
(Loudly, to stop NEVILLEíS giggling.)
But just so
weíre completely CLEARÖ
(HERMIONE stops writing. She frowns but does not look up.)
People are working!
(Wincing and whispering.)
But just so
we are completely clear, Hogwarts, and indeed the wizarding world, has fallen
on hard times. Voldemortís return has ruined a lot of
business, and money is much sought after.
Harry Potroit has changed from the Harry we know and love, under
the strain of this threat, and has responded to the overwhelming demand for
some way of making easy money like a champion. Hence, the
Ron Weasterson, on the other hand, is in the money. His
fatherís appointment as Minister of Magic in these difficult times has given
him a cool, calm outlook on life, unlike his business associate.
(Gestures to the library.)
And it is
here that we meet him, as he faces the seemingly impossible task of trying to
take the SpewÖ
S.P.E.W leader to Diagon AlleyÖ
(NEVILLE and COLIN slip back between the bookshelves. HERMIONE and HAGRID are left alone onstage.)
Iím going to take my wand, and rip up Hogwarts from top to bottom.
(RON enters, hovering out of site by a bookshelf, watching HERMIONE and HAGRID. As HERMIONE returns to her work, he steps forwards.)
Do you take
(Guiding RON in a little over-eagerly.)
Any time thaís not in lessons. Please, come in, have some pumpkin
juice. Sígood for yeh.
(Watching Hermione with interest.)
juice thanks. Iím not here because Iím thirsty.
My nameís Hagrid, RubeusHagrid, aní this is Hermione
Grown. But yeh can call us Brother Hagrid and Sister Hermione. Thaís
how we like to be known Ė like a family.
Nice to meet you. Brother Ron. Hello Sister Hermione.
(Without looking up.)
your name? Ron?
Ron Weasterson. Iím in some of your classes. In fact, I think
Iím in your house. Gryffindor?
But I have little time for socialising out of lesson hours.
problem Brother Ron?
feeling terribly guilty. I have failed all my exams. I have wasted my life
gambling and playing Exploding Snap.
Yehí poor lad.
(Taking in his pristine appearance
and expensive robes.)
appear to be a successful gambler Mr. WeastersonÖ
at the moment. Are only the poor drop outs welcome here? Maybe Iíll come back
when Iím broke and failing exams.
moment son, we can make you broke aní unhappy.
I meanÖ erÖ
Why doní I go aní see about these ferrets? Iíll leave yeh
with Sister Hermione. Sheíll sort you out.
I hope so.
I know so.
Anyone has a problem, sheíll sort Ďem out.
(Exits.RON and HERMIONE are left alone. HERMIONE returns to her writing, RON checks behind his shoulder to make sure the coast is clear. He gets up
and leans on her desk.)
large gentleman. I suppose he sort of, looks after you.
after each other.
Uh huh, and
I suppose, if either of you goes some place, the other goes along...?
Hey, what did he mean by that, the way you always sort out other peopleís
changed places Mr. Weasterson, I think thatÖ
Ron, why donít youÖ
Why do you
have trouble calling me Brother Ron?
Ron! Here are some revision guides that you might find useful.
always said reading revision guides never helped anyone learn anything.
(Leans towards her.)
I had more
personal help in mind.
(Ducking round a bookshelf.)
We have a
big meeting Thursday evening.
the day after tomorrow. Whoís going to tutor me in between then?
are always open.
(She walks over to the door and opens it; she
wants him out ofher library.)
(Following her to the door.)
blossoming under the warmth of your kindness. But you know what I think Sister
Hermione? You donít want to help me, but also for some reason you are against
(He shuts the door gently. She backs away
that is true Mr. Weasterson, Iím afraid IÖ
believe Iím a failure do you?
prepared to believe you are the biggest failure I have ever met in my life!
But you ainít prepared to believe I want to improve my grades. Is
(He walks over to the sign stage C and reads.)
no peace unto those who do not study Ė Hogwarts,
a History, chapter 57, lines 20-21.Ē Hey! This is
itís a matter of opinion.
I made a
statement of fact.
dare you misquote Hogwarts, a History!
correct! ďThere is no peace unto those who do not study?Ē Thatís chapter 63
(HERMIONE moves furiously to go and check in the leather bound version on her
desk. While she is looking, RON leans back on a chair, hands behind head.)
like to bet on it? Not Galleons, just a small sociable bet?
(HERMIONE stares fixedly at a page; she has found it.)
Two things have
been in every Hogwarts classroom; Ron Weasterson, and
Hogwarts, a History. Why, in lulls
between games I must have read the good book ten or twelve times.
that wasnít a help to youÖ
Who says it
wasnít? Once, in one of my blackest moments, I won five Galleons on knowing the
goblin leaders of the 347 rebellions. Sidlepick, Coldstone and Snider.
Why did you
come here Mr. Weasterson?
I told you,
Iím an unhappy gambler, failing in almost every one of my subjects.
Lying is not one of my crimes. Letís say we lay it on the line, from now on,
weíll stop dealing out the Bludgers.
say that in English?
I am sure
you have done a great job pushing peopleís marks up, but you need drop outs
(Beginning to lay revision guides on chairs.)
(Following her through chairs.)
it. This SpewÖ
Ö is not doing much. I expect Madam Pince
is impatiently waiting for all the drop outs to come, and yet theyíre not. But
me, Iíll bet I can fill this place with them.
Most people who fail Transfiguration are the ones who excel in Snap. When is
this big meeting of yours? Thursday? I guarantee to
fill this library with at least one dozen students who need your academic help.
I will guarantee that they will sit still and listen to you.
(Takes sign and writes on the back.)
Here is my
marker. ďI O U one dozen students.Ē
Thank you Mr. Weasterson. Now, if youíll excuse meÖ
Just a minute Sister Hermione. This is not a charitable contribution. Iím
making this a business transaction; something you want for something I want.
And what is
it that you want?
with me tomorrow night.
that be something that you want?
because I think I might be hungry tomorrow night. Iíll meet you here at .
us sometime to get there. Itís my favourite place, The Leaky Cauldron.
other Diagon Alleys are there?
(Makes to rip up sign.)
What do you
take me for, a chump?!
Stop! Hogwarts, a History is on the other
You get out
worth to you Miss Grown, a Butterbeer in a bar for one dozen failing students.
Just one last word, I wouldnít want you to think that some black-hearted Snap
player made improper advances.
of your business what I think.
(Standing on a chair.)
you change your pitch Sister Hermione? ďCome to the library, one and all.
Except wizards, I hate wizards!Ē
right. Iím nothing but a bossy, insecure girl. Iíve read two whole books on the
subject. How could I possibly block your advances?
imagine by now youíve succeeded in blocking all advances.
few you wouldnít know about Iím afraid.
glad that somewhere there is a wizard whoíll appeal to the S.P.E.W witch. I
wonder what this wizard will be like?
He will not
have failed every exam heís taken!
interested in what classes heís failed, I want to know what heíll be like.
worry, Iíll know.
FOR IíVE IMAGINED EVERY PART OF HIM.
FROM HIS STRONG MORAL FIBRE,
TO THE WISDOM IN HIS HEAD,
AS HE WEARS HIS SPEW BADGE WHEN HE SEES FIT.
YOU HAVE WISHED YOURSELF A SWOTTY LITTLE NERD,
THE ALL WORK AND NO PLAY LIBRARY GIT.
AND I SHALL MEET HIM WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHTÖ
this wizard all figured out havenít you?
out, including when youíll meet.
IíLL KNOW WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG,
I WONíT TAKE A CHANCE.
FOR OH, HEíLL BE JUST WHAT I NEED,
NOT SOME FLY BY NIGHT HOGWARTS AFFAIR.
AND YOUíLL KNOW BY THE BRACE,
AND THE GREASE IN HIS HAIR.
IíLL KNOW BY HIS IMPRESSIVE GRADES.
ON NEWT RESULTS DAY.
IíLL KNOW AS WE READ BY THE FIRE,
THAT AT LAST, I CAN WORK, SAFE AND SOUND.
AND ĎTILL THEN, I SHALL WAIT,
AND ĎTILL THEN IíLL BE STRONG.
FOR IíLL KNOW WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG.
No, no, no.
Youíre talking about love. You canít make it into a study session. What are you
picking, a wizard or a study partner?
expect a drop-out to understand.
You want to
know what I feel about it?
No I donít!
MINE WILL COME AS A SURPRISE TO ME,
MINE, IíLL LEAVE TO CHANCE AND CHEMISTRY.
Yeah, Chemistry. Itís a Mugglething.
I know what
it is andÖ
AND SUDDENLY IíLL KNOW,
WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG,
IíLL KNOW THEN AND THERE,
IíLL KNOW AT THE SIGHT OF HER FACE,
HOW I CARE, HOW I CARE, HOW I CARE.
AND IíLL STOP, AND IíLL STARE,
AND IíLL KNOW LONG BEFORE WE CAN SPEAK,
IíLL KNOW IN MY HEART,
IíLL KNOW AND SHE WONíT EVER ASK,
ARE YOU RIGHT? ARE YOU WISE? ARE YOU SMART?
AND IíLL STOP, AND IíLL STARE, AT THAT FACE, IN THE THRONG.
YES IíLL KNOW WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG.
YES IíLL KNOW, WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG.
(They stare at each other as the music
continues in the background. HERMIONE is breathing quickly, apparently moved by his lyrics, and fascinated by
this wizard. RON, sensing he has dented her defences, seizes her and kisses her. HERMIONE does not struggle, and
submits to this, but does not respond. He releases her, picks up his hat, then
goes to leave. She stands, seemingly entranced. He stands watching her. She
turns and walks towards him as if walking on air. He looks at her in
anticipation, confidently expecting another kiss. She reaches him, leans
towards him and slaps him across the face. Hard.RON staggers slightly and drops his
hat. Recovering slightly, he rubs his cheek.)
by tomorrow, in case you want to take a crack at the other cheek.
(He turns and exits L. HERMIONE moves back to her desk, picks up
the marker and throws it into the waste paper basket, despite quotation. She
tries to write, but throws down her pen in frustration, and singsÖ)
I WONíT TAKE A CHANCE,
MY LOVE WILL BE JUST WHAT I NEED,
NOT SOME FLY BY NIGHT HOGWARTS AFFAIR,
AND ĎTILL THEN I SHALL WAIT,
AND ĎTILL THEN IíLL BE STRONG.
FOR IíLL KNOW WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG.
(Blackout. End of scene 2.)
The Sugar Quill was created by Zsenya and Arabella. For
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