The Sugar Quill
Author: Ellyse (Professors' Bookshelf)  Story: Wizards and Witches  Chapter: Act 1, Scene 2
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Wizards and Witches

Wizards and Witches

 

ACT 1 SCENE 2 Ė THE SAVE-MY-RESULTS LIBRARY

 

(The SPEW BAND files in, ERNIE and HANNAH exit into room R. HERMIONE goes down R. HAGRID places his base drum against the window, next to a dead stoat. Standing stage C is a painted sign in block letters. It reads; ďThere is no peace unto those who do not study Ė Hogwarts, a History, chapter 57, lines 20-21.Ē HERMIONE puts down her cloak and hat and places them over a small bookshelf. She sits at a desk and busies herself with papers. From behind the bookshelves stage R, COLIN and NEVILLE appear.)

 

COLIN

(In a whisper.)

Hello to all you ladies and gentlemen.

 

NEVILLE

(Also whispering.)

And welcome back to the story.

 

COLIN

We are here once more to clear up any misunderstandings, and guide you smoothly through the play.

 

NEVILLE

Ellyse wishes to thank the lovely people who reviewed so nicely, nicely.

 

COLIN

And rebuff those who claimed that it was impossible to create a crossover between Harry Potter and Guys and Dolls.

 

NEVILLE

Not that this is of course.

 

COLIN

Of course. It just hasÖ similarities.

 

NEVILLE

But she thought that a few things needed explaining. As some people thought that some characters, were out of character.

 

COLIN

Ludicrous!

 

NEVILLE

Impossible!

 

COLIN

Absurd!

 

NEVILLE

Ridikulous!

 

(Enter SNAPE in a familiar dress with a familiar handbag and familiar vulture hat. He spots his reflection in the window, and disappears with a pop.)

 

COLIN

(Loudly, to stop NEVILLEíS giggling.)

But just so weíre completely CLEARÖ

 

(HERMIONE stops writing. She frowns but does not look up.)

 

HERMIONE

Shh! People are working!

 

COLIN

(Wincing and whispering.)

But just so we are completely clear, Hogwarts, and indeed the wizarding world, has fallen on hard times. Voldemortís return has ruined a lot of business, and money is much sought after.

 

NEVILLE

Harry Potroit has changed from the Harry we know and love, under the strain of this threat, and has responded to the overwhelming demand for some way of making easy money like a champion. Hence, the Snap game.

 

COLIN

Ron Weasterson, on the other hand, is in the money. His fatherís appointment as Minister of Magic in these difficult times has given him a cool, calm outlook on life, unlike his business associate.

 

NEVILLE

(Gestures to the library.)

And it is here that we meet him, as he faces the seemingly impossible task of trying to take the SpewÖ

 

COLIN

S.P.E.W!

 

NEVILLE

Sorry, S.P.E.W leader to Diagon AlleyÖ

 

(NEVILLE and COLIN slip back between the bookshelves. HERMIONE and HAGRID are left alone onstage.)

 

HERMIONE

Some day Iím going to take my wand, and rip up Hogwarts from top to bottom.

 

HAGRID

They do that everyday.

 

(RON enters, hovering out of site by a bookshelf, watching HERMIONE and HAGRID. As HERMIONE returns to her work, he steps forwards.)

 

RON

Do you take drop-outs here?

 

HAGRID

(Guiding RON in a little over-eagerly.)

Any time thaís not in lessons. Please, come in, have some pumpkin juice. Sígood for yeh.

 

RON

(Watching Hermione with interest.)

No pumpkin juice thanks. Iím not here because Iím thirsty.

 

HAGRID

My nameís Hagrid, Rubeus Hagrid, aní this is Hermione Grown. But yeh can call us Brother Hagrid and Sister Hermione. Thaís how we like to be known Ė like a family.

 

RON

Nice to meet you. Brother Ron. Hello Sister Hermione.

 

HERMIONE

(Without looking up.)

Is that your name? Ron?

 

RON

Ron Weasterson. Iím in some of your classes. In fact, I think Iím in your house. Gryffindor?

 

HERMIONE

Gryffindor. But I have little time for socialising out of lesson hours.

 

HAGRID

Whaís the problem Brother Ron?

 

RON

I am feeling terribly guilty. I have failed all my exams. I have wasted my life gambling and playing Exploding Snap.

 

HAGRID

Yehí poor lad.

 

HERMIONE

(Taking in his pristine appearance and expensive robes.)

Yet you appear to be a successful gambler Mr. WeastersonÖ

 

RON

Brother Ron.

 

HERMIONE

Ah, Brother Ron.

 

RON

Iím healthy at the moment. Are only the poor drop outs welcome here? Maybe Iíll come back when Iím broke and failing exams.

 

HAGRID

(Hurriedly.)

Jusí a moment son, we can make you broke aní unhappy.

(Beat.)

I meanÖ erÖ Why doní I go aní see about these ferrets? Iíll leave yeh with Sister Hermione. Sheíll sort you out.

 

RON

I hope so.

 

HAGRID

I know so. Anyone has a problem, sheíll sort Ďem out.

 

(Exits. RON and HERMIONE are left alone. HERMIONE returns to her writing, RON checks behind his shoulder to make sure the coast is clear. He gets up and leans on her desk.)

 

RON

Fine, er, large gentleman. I suppose he sort of, looks after you.

 

HERMIONE

We look after each other.

 

RON

Uh huh, and I suppose, if either of you goes some place, the other goes along...?

 

HERMIONE

Of course.

 

RON

Of course. Hey, what did he mean by that, the way you always sort out other peopleís problems?

 

HERMIONE

Havenít we changed places Mr. Weasterson, I think thatÖ

 

RON

Brother Ron.

 

HERMIONE

Brother Ron, why donít youÖ

 

RON

Why do you have trouble calling me Brother Ron?

 

HERMIONE

Brother Ron! Here are some revision guides that you might find useful.

 

RON

(Dismissively.)

My Daddy always said reading revision guides never helped anyone learn anything.

(Leans towards her.)

I had more personal help in mind.

 

HERMIONE

(Ducking round a bookshelf.)

We have a big meeting Thursday evening.

 

RON

Thursdayís the day after tomorrow. Whoís going to tutor me in between then?

 

HERMIONE

Our doors are always open.

 

(She walks over to the door and opens it; she wants him out of her library.)

 

RON

(Following her to the door.)

Iím just blossoming under the warmth of your kindness. But you know what I think Sister Hermione? You donít want to help me, but also for some reason you are against me.

 

(He shuts the door gently. She backs away slightly.)

 

HERMIONE

Iím afraid that is true Mr. Weasterson, Iím afraid IÖ

 

RON

Brother Ron.

 

HERMIONE

(Angrily.)

Mr. Weasterson!

 

RON

You donít believe Iím a failure do you?

 

HERMIONE

Iím prepared to believe you are the biggest failure I have ever met in my life!

 

RON

But you ainít prepared to believe I want to improve my grades. Is that it?

(He walks over to the sign stage C and reads.)

ďThere is no peace unto those who do not study Ė Hogwarts, a History, chapter 57, lines 20-21.Ē Hey! This is wrong!

 

HERMIONE

Letís say itís a matter of opinion.

 

RON

I made a statement of fact.

 

HERMIONE

How dare youÖ

 

RON

And how dare you misquote Hogwarts, a History!

 

HERMIONE

It is correct!

 

RON

Itís not correct! ďThere is no peace unto those who do not study?Ē Thatís chapter 63 lines 4-6.

(HERMIONE moves furiously to go and check in the leather bound version on her desk. While she is looking, RON leans back on a chair, hands behind head.)

Would you like to bet on it? Not Galleons, just a small sociable bet?

 

(HERMIONE stares fixedly at a page; she has found it.)

 

RON

Chapter 63?

 

HERMIONE

(Slamming book.)

Chapter 63.

 

RON

Two things have been in every Hogwarts classroom; Ron Weasterson, and Hogwarts, a History. Why, in lulls between games I must have read the good book ten or twelve times.

 

HERMIONE

Well, if that wasnít a help to youÖ

 

RON

Who says it wasnít? Once, in one of my blackest moments, I won five Galleons on knowing the goblin leaders of the 347 rebellions. Sidlepick, Coldstone and Snider.

 

HERMIONE

Why did you come here Mr. Weasterson?

 

RON

I told you, Iím an unhappy gambler, failing in almost every one of my subjects.

 

HERMIONE

Youíre lying.

 

RON

Excuse me? Lying is not one of my crimes. Letís say we lay it on the line, from now on, weíll stop dealing out the Bludgers.

 

HERMIONE

Could you say that in English?

 

RON

I am sure you have done a great job pushing peopleís marks up, but you need drop outs donít you?

 

HERMIONE

(Beginning to lay revision guides on chairs.)

Weíre managing.

 

RON

(Following her through chairs.)

Letís face it. This SpewÖ

 

HERMIONE

S.P.E.W!

 

RON

Ö is not doing much. I expect Madam Pince is impatiently waiting for all the drop outs to come, and yet theyíre not. But me, Iíll bet I can fill this place with them.

 

HERMIONE

How?

 

RON

A tip. Most people who fail Transfiguration are the ones who excel in Snap. When is this big meeting of yours? Thursday? I guarantee to fill this library with at least one dozen students who need your academic help. I will guarantee that they will sit still and listen to you.

(Takes sign and writes on the back.)

Here is my marker. ďI O U one dozen students.Ē

 

HERMIONE

(Taking sign.)

Thank you Mr. Weasterson. Now, if youíll excuse meÖ

 

RON

Just a minute Sister Hermione. This is not a charitable contribution. Iím making this a business transaction; something you want for something I want.

 

HERMIONE

And what is it that you want?

 

RON

Have dinner with me tomorrow night.

 

HERMIONE

(Floored.)

Why would that be something that you want?

 

RON

Maybe because I think I might be hungry tomorrow night. Iíll meet you here at noon.

 

HERMIONE

At noon?

 

RON

Itíll take us sometime to get there. Itís my favourite place, The Leaky Cauldron.

 

HERMIONE

Whereís that?

 

RON

Diagon Alley.

 

HERMIONE

Diagon Alley, London?!

 

RON

Well what other Diagon Alleys are there?

 

HERMIONE

(Makes to rip up sign.)

What do you take me for, a chump?!

 

RON

Stop! Hogwarts, a History is on the other side.

 

HERMIONE

You get out of here!

 

RON

Whatís it worth to you Miss Grown, a Butterbeer in a bar for one dozen failing students. Just one last word, I wouldnít want you to think that some black-hearted Snap player made improper advances.

 

HERMIONE

Itís none of your business what I think.

 

RON

(Standing on a chair.)

Why donít you change your pitch Sister Hermione? ďCome to the library, one and all. Except wizards, I hate wizards!Ē

 

HERMIONE

Youíre right. Iím nothing but a bossy, insecure girl. Iíve read two whole books on the subject. How could I possibly block your advances?

 

RON

Oh, I imagine by now youíve succeeded in blocking all advances.

 

HERMIONE

Except a few you wouldnít know about Iím afraid.

 

RON

Oh, Iím glad that somewhere there is a wizard whoíll appeal to the S.P.E.W witch. I wonder what this wizard will be like?

 

HERMIONE

He will not have failed every exam heís taken!

 

RON

Iím not interested in what classes heís failed, I want to know what heíll be like.

 

HERMIONE

Donít worry, Iíll know.

 

ďIíLL KNOWĒ

 

HERMIONE

FOR IíVE IMAGINED EVERY PART OF HIM.

FROM HIS STRONG MORAL FIBRE,

TO THE WISDOM IN HIS HEAD,

AS HE WEARS HIS SPEW BADGE WHEN HE SEES FIT.

 

RON

YOU HAVE WISHED YOURSELF A SWOTTY LITTLE NERD,

THE ALL WORK AND NO PLAY LIBRARY GIT.

 

HERMIONE

AND I SHALL MEET HIM WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHTÖ

 

RON

(Speaking.)

Youíve got this wizard all figured out havenít you?

 

HERMIONE

I have.

 

RON

All figured out, including when youíll meet.

 

HERMIONE

(Happily.)

All figured out.

(Singing.)

IíLL KNOW WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG,

I WONíT TAKE A CHANCE.

FOR OH, HEíLL BE JUST WHAT I NEED,

NOT SOME FLY BY NIGHT HOGWARTS AFFAIR.

 

RON

AND YOUíLL KNOW BY THE BRACE,

AND THE GREASE IN HIS HAIR.

 

HERMIONE

IíLL KNOW BY HIS IMPRESSIVE GRADES.

ON NEWT RESULTS DAY.

IíLL KNOW AS WE READ BY THE FIRE,

THAT AT LAST, I CAN WORK, SAFE AND SOUND.

AND ĎTILL THEN, I SHALL WAIT,

AND ĎTILL THEN IíLL BE STRONG.

FOR IíLL KNOW WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG.

 

RON

(Disgusted.)

No, no, no. Youíre talking about love. You canít make it into a study session. What are you picking, a wizard or a study partner?

 

HERMIONE

I wouldnít expect a drop-out to understand.

 

RON

You want to know what I feel about it?

 

HERMIONE

No I donít!

 

RON

Well, Iíll tell youÖ

MINE WILL COME AS A SURPRISE TO ME,

MINE, IíLL LEAVE TO CHANCE AND CHEMISTRY.

 

HERMIONE

Chemistry?

 

RON

Yeah, Chemistry. Itís a Muggle thing.

 

HERMIONE

I know what it is andÖ

 

RON

(Interrupting.)

AND SUDDENLY IíLL KNOW,

WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG,

IíLL KNOW THEN AND THERE,

IíLL KNOW AT THE SIGHT OF HER FACE,

HOW I CARE, HOW I CARE, HOW I CARE.

AND IíLL STOP, AND IíLL STARE,

AND IíLL KNOW LONG BEFORE WE CAN SPEAK,

IíLL KNOW IN MY HEART,

IíLL KNOW AND SHE WONíT EVER ASK,

ARE YOU RIGHT? ARE YOU WISE? ARE YOU SMART?

AND IíLL STOP, AND IíLL STARE, AT THAT FACE, IN THE THRONG.

YES IíLL KNOW WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG.

 

BOTH

YES IíLL KNOW, WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG.

 

(They stare at each other as the music continues in the background. HERMIONE is breathing quickly, apparently moved by his lyrics, and fascinated by this wizard. RON, sensing he has dented her defences, seizes her and kisses her. HERMIONE does not struggle, and submits to this, but does not respond. He releases her, picks up his hat, then goes to leave. She stands, seemingly entranced. He stands watching her. She turns and walks towards him as if walking on air. He looks at her in anticipation, confidently expecting another kiss. She reaches him, leans towards him and slaps him across the face. Hard. RON staggers slightly and drops his hat. Recovering slightly, he rubs his cheek.)

 

RON

Iíll come by tomorrow, in case you want to take a crack at the other cheek.

 

(He turns and exits L. HERMIONE moves back to her desk, picks up the marker and throws it into the waste paper basket, despite quotation. She tries to write, but throws down her pen in frustration, and singsÖ)

 

HERMIONE

I WONíT TAKE A CHANCE,

MY LOVE WILL BE JUST WHAT I NEED,

NOT SOME FLY BY NIGHT HOGWARTS AFFAIR,

AND ĎTILL THEN I SHALL WAIT,

AND ĎTILL THEN IíLL BE STRONG.

FOR IíLL KNOW WHEN MY LOVE COMES ALONG.

 

(Blackout. End of scene 2.)

//
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