History and Consumer/Investor Base
What inspired you to found Weasleys' Wizard
Wheezes?
We'll never forget setting off our first Dungbombs, sent to
us by our brother Charlie when we were only toddling lads in
nappies. The shock - the joy - the screams - the stench - these
were thrills previously unimaginable to our budding business
minds. We were grounded for several years, but remained undaunted;
we knew we had found our calling.
When we arrived at Hogwarts, the Diversionary Merchandising
market was best served by Zonko's Joke Shop in Hogsmeade, which
we were legally barred from visiting until our third year. Legality,
however, has never stood between us and our responsibility to
the public, and so we found ourselves in Hogsmeade Village earlier
than most students. We made personally sure that our younger
siblings, still at home, would have the same jump start that
Charlie had given us, by putting plenty of Dungbombs in the
post for our baby sister and sending loads of trick spiders
to our baby brother (we're family men). We also generously procured
Hogsmeade merchandise for our student peers in the lower years
who didn't have the privilege of Hogsmeade visits. The small
profits we made in these transactions allowed us to continue
to sample all the fine goods Zonko's had to offer. During this
time, we broadened our horizons and developed a list of products
we wished Zonko's would develop.
In our second year, Zonko's turned down our product wish list,
citing such reasons as "foolishness", "impossibility",
"illegality" and "total disregard for human life."
Rather than wallow in our disappointment, we decided to take
matters into our own hands. We locked ourselves into our makeshift
laboratory and began to experiment with anything we could get
our hands on (we're sorry about the puffskien, l'il bro, but
we believe the success of Canary Creams is proof that he did
not die in vain). To detail this developmental and highly explosive
period in our lives would be to subject ourselves to all manner
of legal action, and so we will only say this: it was bloody
brilliant.
Finally, we were ready to test our merchandise and to sell
it to those with highly developed diversionary tastes. The line
we have developed is unparalleled by any other purveyor of joke
or intelli-sweet products; we believe we are alone in offering
products which serve the needs of even the most discerning prankster.
The patronage of Harry Potter has made it possible for us to
open a shop of our own, and we are now pleased to make our creations
available to you, our valued - and courageous - customers.
Who operates and makes decisions at Weasleys'
Wizard Wheezes?
The Purveyors of Ingenious Magical Products, Fred and George
Weasley. You may remember us from such momentous occasions as
our legendary Departure from Hogwarts. That's right. That was
us.
What kinds of people shop here? Is this
the place for me?
Brave people. Wise people. People who know quality. People
with depth, who aren't ashamed of having more than one skin
tone, who know that there is more to life than having all their
teeth and hair at all times. Ultimately, people with Galleons
(and all other monetary denominations).
What is the main purpose of Weasleys' Wizard
Wheezes?
To give you, our most valued customer, an entertainment experience
unlike any other. To delight you, to inspire you. To make you
laugh, to make you cry, to make your enemies break out in boils.
To make ourselves rich.
How do I become an investor?
We recommend handing us bags full of Galleons and trusting
us to do what's best. For more information on such transactions,
please contact Mr Harry Potter at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft
and Wizardry.
Do you have a mission statement?
We solemnly swear that we are up to no good.
No, I mean a real mission statement.
Our mission statement was developed by the one and only Harry
Potter, who said, and we quote: "I could do with a few
laughs. We could all do with a few laughs. I've got a feeling
we're going to need them more than usual before long."
Harry, mate, we're still wiping our eyes over that one.
Potential investors, please note that when you make the choice
to support Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, you will be joining the
ranks of legends like Harry. Every Galleon you give us is a
Galleon that will be used in the fight against the Dark Arts
(we mean that literally. Lots of our products give off really
bright lights when properly ignited).
What Does It All Mean?
I'm new! How do I find my way around?
Try one of our new Schnizzle Stix.
They'll help to orient you to the inner workings of Weasleys'
Wizarding Wheezes.
Product Development
How do you come up with your products?
We please ourselves first. In our experience, if it's a product
we wish existed, then it's a product others will enjoy as well.
Lee Jordan always proves this theory true.
Where and how are they tested?
Over the years, we've developed a handful of reliable metres
by which to measure the success of a new product. The scream-o-metre
measures the level of outrage felt by our mum. The angrier she
gets, the more successful a given product will be. The laugh-o-metre
measures the level of entertainment a product gives our friends
and peers. If they're happy, we're happy.
Products are tested on humans and animals, who almost always
survive. We admit that our baby sister has been deprived of
her hair more than once, but she turned out all right. She's
far more socially adept than our ickle bro, who probably blames
the spider incident for the fact that he has never had a proper
girlfriend.
Will you accept product suggestions from
your customers?
Sure, why not? Although we find that most people have a
hard time thinking outside the box.
How do I submit a product suggestion?
Email us with your suggestions at gredandforge@sugarquill.net,
drop a note at the shop, or send an owl to The Burrow, Ottery-St.
Catchpole (if you choose this method of communication, please
stamp your envelope "private and confidential" so
that Mum will be legally barred from opening our mail).
I'm under thirteen. Why aren't I allowed
to submit a product suggestion?
You're technically disallowed. Technically. TECHnically.
My product suggestion wasn't accepted -
how come?
Sod off, Malfoy. We're not going to make a role-playing game
called "Weasley: Dirt Farmer for a Day". But be on
the look-out for Ferret Chews.
I'm afraid to test my newly developed product.
It's highly explosive. Do you have any ideas for me?
If you intend to pursue a career in Diversionary Merchandising,
you must be willing to take risks in order to be successful.
We suggest testing the item first on a crotchety neighbor, an
unsuspecting classmate, or a younger sibling. Gnomes are also
useful.
My product is cool, but illegal. What should
I do?
Legal - illegal… the concepts are so fuzzy sometimes.
We've found it's best to assume that your knowledge of product
legality is insufficient to as to interpret laws on your own,
and to suppose your product legal unless directly contacted
by the authorities. For further information, please contact
our lawyer.
What is a N.E.W.T and how do I get one?
Please send $12.87 per desired N.E.W.T. to Weasleys' Wizard
Wheezes, contact info at bottom of the page.
How can I describe the wonder of the Wheezes?
We suggest this very useful Muggle website that we discovered,
The Visual
Thesaurus Online, for reference: type in 'fantabulous' and
synonym to your heart's content.
Use and Consumption of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes
What are Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes disclaimers?
Disclaimers are purely in place at the insistence of our legal
counsel, we assure you - don't trouble yourself to read them.
*
Behaviour in the cyber shop
Just don't get caught; that's our motto.
Explosives and other firestarters
KABANG!
Sweets and other absolutely not impossibly
fatal delights
We use only all-natural ingredients. Our sweets are made from
ingredients commonly found in any wizarding kitchen. And hey,
we test them all on ourselves before selling them, and we're
still alive, aren't we?
Are there any disciplinary procedures at
Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes?
Having experienced many unfair punishments at the hands of
Mr Argus Filch, we personally strive to avoid inflicting such
brutality on our fellow human beings. That said, mess with our
stuff and we'll treat you like a Slytherin.
Will my hair grow back?
Hair grows**, that's our other motto.
You know you're mad, right?
It goes without saying.
Fund Raising and Charity
What is the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes Charity
Project?
The WWWCP is our ongoing attempt to help our youngest brother
get a clue, particularly with regard to his non-existent romantic
life with a bossy and threatening-yet-charming lass who shall
remain nameless (a big wave to the lovely Miss Granger!). Think
of it as social literacy.
How do I support Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes?
By making your own life a great adventure - by buying our wares.
If you prefer to avoid our wares but still love us (Angelina),
please send Galleons, Sickles, Knuts, pounds, dollars, francs,
rubles, kopecks, pesos, other monetary denominations, checks,
money orders, or valuables that can be traded for cash, to 93
Diagon Alley.
~*~
NOTES
*Statements made by Mr Fred Weasley or Mr George Weasley in
this F.A.Q. should not be taken in any way, shape, or form as
valid legal advice.
**Most likely.
